money, hoes, clothes, and mayhem

sex, drugs, rock and roll

alright, idiots, time to get down to business. i know what you’re here for. first thing you’ll want to know is “what is storm doing right now?” yeah, i bet you’d like it if i fucking told you. i’ll tell you anyway though. i am drinking a strong mixed beverage from a milk bottle. it’s classy. I’ve got Robbie Lawler and Rory MacDonald in an absolute fucking war up on the screen, and the soothing sounds of 808’s and heartbreaks playing from the cell phone. no youtube video to fuck with the flow tonight. it’s already 9:27 and i’m only this far in. skipped the post on tuesday because i had personal and family issues to sort out (i didn’t have either). walked around. on wednesday and it was pretty quiet. probably because you simpletons didn’t know what music to listen to without my recommendations.

i’ve got a lot of thoughts this week, so let’s get rolling

The Thoughts

• i’ve been getting back to my roots… i’ll be honest here. i think my roots are just binge drinking and saying stupid shit. there’s nothing wrong with it, because i’m cool. people like me. i’m the man of the people. raised by the streets.
• don’t want to sound entitled here, but women should be walking to me vagina first in public. i may be the best looking and wittiest boyman they ever see and ever will see.
• the apartment has been kept at a cool 65 degrees this spring. i feel this is an appropriate temperature for vigorous masturbation.
• joe biden (father of crack addict, hunter biden) says i don’t have to wear my mask anymore. what a fucking ride the past year has been. not sure how to feel
• somewhere between ironic and iconic
• this is absolutely the greatest fight ever held inside the ufc octagon. i want it framed on my wall. especially the staredown after the 4th round
• i think i could try heroin once
• 2013 was an absolutely wild year.
• just like you, i get lonely
• i want to bleach my hair for a weekend, and just cut it all off on monday morning
• fucking love memes, man
• gonna freaking ride tomorrow night, brother
• karate is actually really cool, it just sucks that everyone i know who did it is a huge dork
• i love talking to people when i feel like it
• might go back and finish college just to say i fucking did it

seems like a great place to stop this one.

Songs of the day

1. d.o.p.e- rick ross
2. fall in love again- rag’n’bone man
3. numb- jay-z/ linkin park
4. all me- drake
5. shut it down- drake
6. chasing cars- snow patrol
7. pray 4 love- travis scott
8. awful things- lil peep
9. i know- post malone
10. condemned- zach bryan
11. citizen/soldier- 3 doors down
12. not that simple- mike posner
13. underground kings- drake
14. pay for you- skizzy mars
15. not comin home tonight- three loco

thanks for reading these. you don’t know how important it is.

she had the nerve to say she love me and i fuckin’ laughed

-meek mill

I’m finally sitting down to write this at 9:16 pm. here we go. should be a weird one.

little drunk but not throw up on the living room floor drunk if you know what i mean. almost the perfect amount of drunk. listening to a youtube video about baseball, lakers vs clippers on the tv (volume low) and nice music coming from my phone (and it’s not nice)

getting my second round of the covid vaccine tomorrow. hope i don’t get autism

Story Time

mothers day is this sunday, so i’d love to share a story of mothers eve in 2018?ish. The day starts out where n***, zack, and me (mr clit) went to the mall to get gifts for our mothers. n*** used the atm to check his balance, and followed that up with an old fashioned “it’ll play” (spoiler: it wouldn’t). we went our separate ways and reunited at kenny’s pub for a few beers with the boys (and broads) if you know what i’m saying. n*** found a middle aged man to buy him multiple fireball shots. I don’t know how he convinced him to do this, but they were in the bathroom for about 14 minutes before he brought old man to the table. (side note; pitchers used to be $5 on weekends, and they should bring this back. if you pump me full of light beer for 37 minutes i am bound to switch to something stronger, therefore spending even more money. right now I am just getting too drunk to function, while spending anywhere between $23 and $114 depending on the crowd. i like to put on a show for my fans. please drink responsibly)

after our night at the alehouse ended and our other friends went home, i asked young n*** if he would like to join me on a trip to see the girls of the beach. he really should’ve known better… as is tradition, we stopped at the gas station to pick up a case of beer before 2 am, and i paid his admission into the club. as we walked through the painted glass door with our brand new paper bracelets, his eyes lit up brighter than i’ve ever seen in a boy.

as you may have been able to guess, i used to be very into the local strip club (still am, but i definitely used to be, too). I asked the girl at the door for $50 in singles, as you do at a strip club. we took seats in the front row and cracked open a couple cold ones, we had two hours, 23 beers, and enough money to order little caesars pizza’s for a party of 80 with leftovers. as the night was nearing the end, i accepted an offer from the talent for a few private dances. i went to the back, and sat in complete shock for the next four or five songs. when i returned to the main area, i could not find my friend. i found my chair and returned to the activities of the night, occasionally glancing at the private area and bathrooms to see where n*** had vanished to. as the next song ended, i saw n***’s frail body come out with a smile that was larger than his face. he walked to the atm and turned around after pressing the buttons for a few minutes. he took a lap around the room, but did not return to me. this continued for a bit more before the bouncer got on his tail. there was much laughter on my end, but n*** ended up coming to me and asking if he could borrow a bit of money. i said sure and asked how much he needed. “$21.” this fucking kid… the dances were $25… also notable that the atm fee here is $8 so he could’ve had the 20 that he needed. i gave him the money, plus a little extra for the trouble…

we got a ride back home and n*** texted his parents from my phone that he would be sleeping over, remember that it is 4:30 at this point. i woke up a few hours later to a pissed off family, and several texts from n***’s mother. my favorite one “can noah come home now, he is going to be late for church”. that text was received at 9:15, and we woke up at 10:30… i assume he got in trouble for this, but the “it’ll play” from 24 hours prior, and the resulting events made it all worth it for me. i had lunch with my mother and grandmother that day. a bloody mary and a burger can solve almost any problems you face.

The Thoughts

get ready fuckers, this is a good one

• “delete this nephew” is a quality meme, and it’s sad that it has fallen out of favor of the internet
• everyone i meet is either an asshole or an idiot. i am not ready to accept the fact that this may be a flaw on my end.
• drake and kanye have albums for every mood, all they need is a holiday tape, and music would be complete.
• i recently tweeted and deleted. i do not regret this
• keep the family close, but don’t be afraid to let them know when they do something fucking stupid.
• one way that i make myself feel better/cover up real feelings is by making jokes. some people are not accepting of this, and it may make them mad. they need to grow up, or down, not really sure what it says about me
• i recently purchased a pocket notebook on the internet, and when it comes, i will use it to write down my thoughts throughout the day. i may just take a picture of the page at the end of the day and tweet that. this could either be very good, or very bad and require the assistance of a mental health professional.
• another one? why not. it’s only 10:31
• i haven’t really been eating much this week. i have tried every night, but it seems that my body is rejecting solid food at this point. should probably see the doctor again, but not sure if i’m ready. physical and mental health combined might be at an all time low. the majority of the past year has been probably been the hardest part of my life so far, but i keep waking up everyday. every morning is a win for the kid.
• my father recently let me know that he is worried about me because i am not pursuing any relationships. don’t really know what to tell him. i’m batting .338 on life right now. won’t lie, the apartment could be about 100 sqft bigger, and i could be doing more, but it’s not that bad. also i have a problem with really being serious. life’s a lot easier if you can laugh it off.
• relationship status: married to the game.
• don’t know if i have any friends that i wouldn’t die for.
• life moves quick, and sometime’s it’s better to watch it happen live than it is to catch the highlights on youtube
• really don’t understand how you can be a professional basketball player and shoot less than 75% on free throws. it is what it is i guess
• Still Brazy came out 5 years ago, and YG remains a living legend
• if you were born in america and find a loophole to compete in the world championships/olympics for another country, i really don’t care what the circumstances are. you are a coward and should be tried for treason.
• the blog industry is a fickle bitch

Top Songs Today

again the order means nothing on these

1. kimber- sammy adams
2. cocoa butter kisses- chance the rapper
3. many men- 50 cent
4. ashley- big sean
5. no rain- blind melon
6. selfish- future (&rihanna)
7. summertime- kenny chesney
8. hills- kim petras
9. broken whiskey glass- post malone
10. time- riff raff
11. young sachi- young sachi
12. stay- rihanna
13. habits- tove lo

thanks for reading. i hope to make these better

here’s what you’ve all been waiting for. you sad, lonely fucks sit by your computer every tuesday and thursday waiting for my thoughts.

“i’m too stupid to form my own opinion on anything. i will need to wait for storm to share his and i will nod in agreement.”

-you, probably

Thoughts:

• gone girl is definitely top 9 movies of all time. rain man and days of thunder still tied for third
• i really don’t care about the potential dangers; as long as you don’t look like you smell like cigarettes, cigarettes make you look 4.5x cooler
• if you look hard enough, there’s a reason to hate each and every person on this planet. your time will come
• breakfast is the least meaningful meal. lunch is also pretty worthless.
• chopsticks are a great utensil for most snack foods. they will allow you to keep your fingers clean.
• i’m going to double down on the statement above. chopsticks should be offered at all restaurants regardless of the cuisine served. Some foods are impractical to use a fork for, but chopsticks offer a cleaner alternative to fingers
• people who listen to and repeat joe rogan’s health advice to anyone who didn’t ask should be publicly shamed, possibly executed
• when observing people (watching movies), i think about the qualities that make someone a good friend. i don’t believe that i have any of these qualities. i might be a “toxic person”. this was troubling originally, but is not an issue i care to address at this time. it would also be out of character for me to suddenly become a good person. people would probably assume that i started using drugs.
• diet/fitness twitter people are rapidly climbing the list of people that should be required to pay to use the website.
• there’s a lot of weird people on this planet, but none weirder than disney adults

Life Update:

as you may know, i went to a wedding last month. i had a wonderful time. since then, death has been on my mind quite a bit. because i will most likely still be alone in this life, i have planned my funeral and relayed my wishes to my parents (my best friend and his wife) in the unfortunate (very probable, though) event that i expire before them. i do not believe that my female parent will execute these wishes. i will list them here, so that my friends will follow through with them. understand that this will be unlike any funeral you have ever been to, seen on tv, or read about. much more of a happy environment. it will also be at one of my favorite drinking establishments.

1. the only attire permitted will be shirts that are provided when you walk in. all shirts will have a large picture of me on the chest. i don’t believe the photo has been taken yet, but it will be very grainy for a picture taken with recent technology. men’s shirts will have “long live the king” on the top, and “miss you, lil homie” on the bottom in blue text. there will also be wings airbrushed on the edges of the picture. women’s shirts will have “he hit it first” in pink text above my photo.
2. there will be no formal playlist, music will be played from the library on my phone. the only rule for this is that somebody will get up to change the song every 94 seconds as i would’ve.
3. the girl who runs the instagram account, @drakeoncake, will recreate several of the cakes from her page that i have liked, and they will be served.
4. i would like my body to be preserved in a glass case, and placed in the town center for 7 days, so that my followers can pay their respects.
5. after the week of respectful partying, my body will be delivered to the edge of the flat earth and pushed over the ice wall into the fiery depths of hell.

my mother invited me to my sister’s graduation party via facebook, and i selected the “maybe” option. this decision was not met with the happiness that i anticipated. i would be very grateful if someone like me even entertained the idea of possibly attending. regardless, i will probably be there, and will spend that evening drinking beers (buzzed) with my friends at Kenny’s. hopefully they have live music.

i met a girl this weekend. this will not be a romantic situation by any means, but i want people to know that i am physically capable of talking to a woman.

every week my good friend, pizza hut, texts me that a large stuffed crust pizza is being offered for a limited price of $11.99. this price has not changed since at least 2015, but i appreciate the news every time.

i traded american currency for a package of bologna on sunday night. i hadn’t had bologna prior to this in at least 8 months. it’s still good.

today’s top songs

1. why i love you- kanye west
2. ordinary life- the weeknd
3. nobody’s perfect- j. cole
4. here- alessia cara
5. i hate u, i love u- gnash
6. good for you- selena gomez
7. blurry- puddle of mudd
8. jessie’s girl- rick springfield
9. company- drake
10. thank u, next- ariana grande

Yo, what up, Youtube! before we get into the shit please go ahead and smash that mf subscribe button!

I woke up this morning fully torqued and ready to have a great day. Things done changed. Money change, people change, things change. I took the dog outside and threw up in the shower (Normal). I went to the kitchen to find out that I am out of coffee. No big deal, I should have some at the office, or so I thought. Out of coffee here too. Damn, I’m really going through it, huh. And to make it even worse, I have diarrhea (this is normal). But I am back on the quest of crafting the perfect burger. We are only one night in, and my apartment again smells like wonderfully cooked beef. I can’t wait for Thursday Night’s burger. Switched up the buns for this week. Will see how it goes. Might switch back to the old ones, but these seem promising.

Finally broke down and purchased LA Noire for the playstation 4. The game seems good, but it is too dark. Not the theme, the actual lighting in the game.

Watching Scrubs again. I love Scrubs.

I am only continuing to live to spite my enemies.

Elon Musk will be hosting Saturday Night Live next weekend. Not this weekend, but next. I can wait.

Might go to the lake this weekend. Will do some fishing. Might stay home and watch the 2019 Minnesota Penn State game.

Top 5 Jacks

1. Jack Black
2. Jack Johnson
3. Cracker Jack
4. Jackie Chan
5. Jack Sparrow

There’s a couple movies I’d like to see in the next 5 years.

Tuesday top 5 songs

1. feeling whitney- post malone
2. smells like teen spirit- nirvana
3. how to save a life- the fray
4. mr brightside- the killers
5. ink my whole body- wiz khalifa

Shit, can’t believe we’re still here. Forgot to drop the top 5 yesterday, and that’s my fault. I was handling meat.

The shit me and my girlfriend do in public is straight up illegal. It’s a full on fight when I take that broad to Hy-Vee. Last night I dropped her with a body shot in the bread aisle. Stood right over her and let her know she’s softer than Sara Lee. I paid for groceries. She sucked the soul out of my dick when we got home, though.

Anyway, here’s the top 5:

1. low life- future
2. mess- lil wayne
3. 2009- mac miller
4. she will be loved- maroon 5
5. jumper- third eye blind
6. ordinary life- the weeknd
7. i miss you- blink-182
8. bubbly- colbie caillat

Going to smoke a brisket tomorrow to watch the ufc fights with the boys. Going to film a video of me doing sick scooter tricks in my parents driveway. My brother and his friend joby will edit it for me. Will release on my instagram. Parents come home. Gonna hug my daddy at the airport. Then I’m going to watch the fights with THE BOYS (they’re all over 40 and married with children).

A life ain’t a life ’til you live it

I was digging me a hole big enough to bury my soul

Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own

mac miller

Don’t really feel like writing anything today. started putting the bullshit on the screen and ended up deleting it several times. might throw one up tomorrow to make up for this. not sure what’s going on today, or in general.

did an interview with the piss list.

check it out here

anyway here’s the top ten.

tuesday top ten

1. clementine- halsey
2. diced pineapples- rick ross
3. money don’t sleep- baby e
4. dreams and nightmares- meek mill
5. lost in the world- kanye west
6. adams song- blink182
7. leave- post malone
8. bitch better have my money- rihanna
9. back to you- lil wayne
10. 9-24-11- Action bronson

Thoughts

• Still tired
• I may not actually have any real enemies. Most of my rivalries seem to have been fabricated in my mind
• Tonight for dinner I ate a handful of salad and a plate of dried/cured meats. Probably could’ve done better
• Going to tweet “ugh. i hate insomnia” at 8:47 tonight. i think it’ll be funny
• i don’t want one on my front four teeth to fall out or get removed, but i think i could pull it off
• how do turtles work
• Nicole made Jionni dinner last night. he’s a fork biter. i didn’t like that at all
• i have been watching jersey shore seasons out of order. i like it this way
• smockin
• it would be nice to play a round of golf (miniature) with my friends soon

Updates:

i want a kelly green shirt that just says “hate” in comic sans. shia labeouf. might go to idaho in july for summer camp. never been before. could be fun. might see a moose.

Today’s top 7 songs (choose the order)

1. Lips Of An Angel- hinder
2. Lost Boy- ruth b
3. Strawberries & Cigarettes- troye sivan
4. Rehab- amy winehouse
5. Picture to Burn- taylor swift
6. Days and Days- lil wayne
7. Written in the Stars- tinie tempah

Thank you to today’s sponsor, Nesquik. None of this would be possible without you.