1. Jon Jones
2. Tony Hawk
3. Randy Moss
4. Reggie Miller
5. Adrian Peterson
6. Mookie Betts
7. Tarvaris Jackson (RIP)
8. Gable Steveson
9. Allen Iverson
10. LeBron James
11. Nyjah Huston
12. Matt Hardy
13. Darren Sharper
14. Vince Wilfork
15. Chael Sonnen
16. Eli Manning
17. Joe Webb
18. Visanthe Shiancoe
19. Nate Robinson
20. Brett Favre
21. Justin Jefferson
22. Tyson Fury
23. Ron Artest
24. Big Show
25. Jared Allen
26. Hines Ward
27. Preist Holmes
28. Donovan McNabb
29. Booker T
30. LaDainian Tomlinson
31. Christian Laettner
32. Troy Polamalu
33. Carmelo Anthony
34. JR Smith
35. Trevor Bauer
36. Terrell Owens
37. Shaun Alexander
38. Kevin Garnett
39. Tony Gonzalez
40. Ed Reed
41. Darrelle Revis
42. Kevin Williams
43. Steve Nash
44. Dirk Nowitzki
45. Roger Federer
46. Derrick Rose
47. Calvin Johnson
48. Tracy McGrady
49. Mohamed Ibrahim
50. Trea Turner
51. Julius Peppers
52. Tim Duncan
53. Shawn Johnson
54. Michael Phelps
55. Ben Wallace
56. Plaxico Burress
57. Gilbert Arenas
58. Kyrie Irving
59. Jeremy Lamb
60. Larry Fitzgerald
61. Richard Jefferson
62. Mike Trout
63. Vince Young
64. Reggie Bush
65. Pat Williams
66. Brian Robison
67. Everson Griffen
68. Jim Kleinsasser
69. Paul Goldschmidt
70. Nolan Arenado
71. .Dwight Howard
72. Amar’e Stoudemire
73. Chad Greenway
74. Mitch Leidner
75. Earl Campbell
76. Vince Carter
77. Sue Bird
78. DeMarcus Ware
79. Charles Woodson
80. Josh Cribbs
81. Pau Gason
82. Albert Pujols
83. Conor McGregor
84. Barry Bonds
85. Mark McGwire
86. Sammy Sosa
87. Alan Webb
88. Rasheed Wallace
89. Bo Jackson
90. Jim Thorpe
91. Randy Couture
92. Ozzie Smith
93. Barry Sanders
94. Usain Bolt
95. Frankie Edgar
96. Wayne Gretzky
97. Quavo
98. Chris Kluwe
99. Matt Birk
100. Dennis Rodman
101. Steve Kerr
102. Ryan Lochte
103. Robert Griffin III
104. Katie Ledecky
105. Sandy Koufax
106. Kobe Bryant (RIP)
107. Lawrence Taylor
108. Vernnon Davis
109. Deion Sanders
110. Hank Aaron
111. Rocky Balboa
112. Diego Maradona
113. Nolan Ryan
114. Bobby Hull
115. Jackie Robinson
116. John Elway
117. Richard Petty
118. Sugar Ray Leonard
119. Rickey Henderson
120. Boris Becker
121. Alexander Ovechkin
122. Martin St. Louis
123. Derrick Henry
124. Devonta Smith
125. Davante Adams
126. Jordan Poole
127. Peyton Hillis
128. BJ Raji
129. Aaron Donald
130. Chandler Jones
131. Jerome Bettis
132. Ben Roethlisberger
133. Haloti Ngata
134. Ko Kieft
135. Daunte Culpepper
136. Cris Carter
137. John Randle
138. Antwaan Randle El
139. Sean Taylor
140. Antoine Winfield
141. Antoine Winfield Jr.
142. Deebo Samuel
143. Asante Samuel
144. Terelle Pryor
145. Braxton Miller
146. Ty Law
147. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
148. Ronde Barber
149. Bernard Berrian
150. Tiki Barber
151. Champ Bailey
152. Rod Woodson
153. Minkah Fitzpatrick
154. Brian Dawkins
155. Edgerrin James
156. Darius Slay
157. D’Brickashaw Ferguson
158. Josh Norman for a year
159. Jalen Ramsey
160. Deshaun Watson
161. Patrick Peterson
162. AJ Green
163. Patrick Mahomes
164. Jared Goff
165. Mark Ingram
166. Dan Hooker
167. Adam Thielen
168. Stefon Diggs
169. Johnny Manziel
170. Derek Watt
171. Matt Leinart
172. Jason Pierre-Paul
173. Eric Ebron
174. Bradley Chubb
175. Nick Chubb
176. Deandre Hopkins
177. Vinny Testaverde
178. JJ Watt
179. TJ Watt
180. Luke Kuechly
181. Brian Cushing
182. Zach Ertz
183. Travis Kelce
184. Amari Cooper
185. Baker Mayfield
186. Kirk Cousins
187. Carson Wentz
188. Tyler Lockett
189. Matt Ryan
190. Peyton Manning
191. Michael Vick
192. Philip Rivers
193. Tyreek Hill
194. David Bakhtiari
195. James Conner
196. Jadeveon Clowney
197. Joey Bosa
198. Julian Edelman
199. Saquon Barkley
200. Andrew Luck
201. Fletcher Cox
202. T.Y. Hilton
203. Melvin Gordon
204. Marvin Harrison
205. Reggie Wayne
206. Sidney Rice
207. Jaylon Smith
208. Danielle Hunter
209. Darren Sproles
210. Shaquille O’Neal
211. Wilt Chamberlain
212. Drazen Petrovic
213. Seth Curry
214. Isaiah Thomas
215. Isaiah Thomas
216. Isaih Pacheco
217. Kevin Durant
218. Lamar Odom
219. Norris Cole
220. Kawhi Leonard
221. Arian Foster
222. David Montgomery
223. Breece Hall
224. Jake Knott
225. Steele Jantz
226. Sammy Colbray
227. Chris Webber
228. Jalen Rose
229. Juwan Howard
230. Jimmy King
231. Ray Jackson
232. Bill Laimbeer
233. Carlos Condit
234. Pau Gasol
235. Steve-O
236. BJ Penn
237. Tauheed Epps
238. Olubowale Akintimehin
239. George W. Bush
240. Apollo Creed
241. Quincy Hanley
242. Alonzo Mourning
243. Riff Raff
244. Percy Miller
245. Percy Harvin
246. Lupe Fiasco
247. Cam’ron
248. Danny Ainge
249. Jameis Winston
250. Kyler Murray
251. Todd Helton
252. Bob Gibson
253. Tyson Chandler
254. Tony Gwinn
255. Charlie Ward
256. Ronnie Coleman
257. Roy Jones Jr.
258. Manny Pacquiao
259. Holly Holm
260. Lance Armstrong
261. Tiger Woods
262. Terry Bradshaw
263. Cedric Benson
264. Michael Bennett
265. Matt Cassel
266. Toby Gerhart
267. Jimmy Graham
268. Tim Tebow
269. Alec Baldwin
270. Russell Wilson
271. Brock Lesnar
272. Fedor Emelianko
273. Dikembe Mutombo
274. Ronda Rousey
275. Stipe Miocic
276. Bobby Lashley
277. Mark Hunt
278. Bob Sapp
279. Travis Pastrana
280. Alistair Overeem
281. Shaun White
282. Carl Lewis
283. Kurt Angle
284. Mark Henry
285. Pat McAfee
286. Brian Deegan
287. Darko Milicic
288. Justin Tucker
289. Joe Flacco
290. Ray Lewis
291. Ray Rice
292. Hulk Hogan
293. Carlton Haselrig
294. Demetrious Johnson
295. Aaron Judge
296. Kris Bryant
297. Marquise Brown
298. Marquise Goodwin
299. Antonio Gates
300. Aaron Hernandez
301. Guy Fieri
302. Tito Ortiz
303. Laremy Tunsil
304. Ryan Leaf
305. Herschel Walker
306. Steve Smith Sr.
307. Drake
308. Nelly
309. J. Cole
310. Tristan Wirfs
311. Tristan Thompson
312. Matthew Dellavedova
313. Lonzo Ball
314. Jamal Lewis
315. Ricky Williams
316. Torry Holt
317. Walter Jones
318. Jonathan Ogden
319. Orlando Pace
320. William Roaf
321. Steve Hutchinson
322. Larry Allen
323. Kevin Mawae
324. Tony Dungy
325. Nick Mangold
326. Bryant McKinnie
327. Jeff Saturday
328. Deebo Samuel
329. Joe Thomas
330. Klay Thompson
331. Orlando Pace
332. Brian Urlacher
333. Trent Green
334. Cam Newton
335. Ryan Fitzpatrick
336. Kurt Warner
337. Anquan Boldin
338. Warrick Dunn
339. Ricky Stanzi
340. Josh Allen
341. Marshawn Lynch
342. LeSean McCoy
343. Jackson Mahomes
344. Kareem Hunt
345. Trent Edwards
346. Trent Dilfer
347. Terrence McGee
348. Jake Delhomme
349. DeAngelo Williams
350. Rex Grossman
351. Kyle Orton
352. Cedric Benson
353. Greg Olson
354. Devin Hester
355. Chester Taylor
356. Carson Palmer
357. Andewale Ogunleye
358. Chad Ochocinco (Johnson)
359. Joe Burrow
360. Jonathan Joseph
361. Brady Quinn
362. Golden Tate
363. Julio Jones
364. Brandon Marshall
365. Matt Stafford
366. Boss Bailey
367. Donald Driver
368. Greg Jennings
369. AJ Hawk
370. Dallas Clark
371. Dwight Freeney
372. Adam Vinatieri
373. Maurice Jones-Drew
374. Dwayne Bowe
375. Dwyane Wade
376. Chris Bosh
377. Mario Chalmers
378. Mario
379. EJ Henderson
380. Matt Cassel
381. Wes Welker
382. Deuce McAllister
383. Marques Colston
384. Jeremy Shockey
385. Michael Strahan
386. Jerricho Cotchery
387. Jonathan Vilma
388. Chris Jericho
389. The Undertaker
390. JaMarcus Russell
391. James Harrison
392. Tyron Woodley
393. Tyronn Lue
394. Shawne Merriman
395. Antonio Cromartie
396. Alex Smith
397. Jeff Garcia
398. D’Ernest Johnson
399. Kerry Collins
400. Clinton Portis
401. Chris Cooley
402. Santana Moss
403. Fred Smoot
404. Paul Pierce
405. Jason Kid
406. Stephon Marbury
407. Delonte West
408. Brian Scalabrine
409. Chauncey Billups
410. Andrew Bogut
411. Brian Scalabrine
412. Kris Humphries
413. Blake Griffin
414. Blake Bortles
415. Emeka Okafor
416. Zaza Pachulla
417. Udonis Haslem
418. Gary Payton
419. Elfrid Payton
420. Brittney Griner
421. Joel Embiid
422. Kirk Hinrich
423. Wladimir Klitschko
424. Monte Morris
425. Kwame Brown
426. Shawn Marion
427. Bob Cousy
428. Jason Terry
429. Josh Howard
430. Jerry Stackhouse
431. Yao Ming
432. Shane Battier
433. Marc Gasol
434. Pete Maravich
435. Bill Russel
436. Elgin Baylor
437. Wilt Chamberlain
438. Larry Bird
439. Moses Malone
440. Michael Jordan
441. Karl Malone
442. Grant Hill
443. Hakeem Olajuwon
444. Manu Ginobili
445. Forrest Griffin
446. Tony Parker
447. Jeff Hornacek
448. Clyde Drexler
449. Penny Hardaway
450. Tim Hardaway
451. Dominique Wilkins
452. Joe Dumars
453. Elton Brand
454. Jermaine O’Neal
455. Josh Gordon
456. Odell Beckham Jr.
457. Ben Simmons
458. Honus Wagner
459. Ty Cobb
460. Roberto Clemente
461. Bob Feller
462. Max Scherzer
463. Alex Rodriguez
464. Derek Jeter
465. Starling Marte
466. Lenny Dykstra
467. Julio Rodriguez
468. Jose Altuve
469. Hanley Ramirez
470. Miguel Cabrera
471. Coco Crisp
472. Marcus Mariota
473. Doug Flutie
474. Dante Hall
475. John Stockton
476. Andre Agassi
477. Aly Raisman
478. Ndamukong Suh
479. Claressa Shields
480. Josh Barnett
481. Diamond Dixon
482. Nathan Adrian
483. Kyle Busch
484. Kurt Busch
485. Kevin Harvick
486. Joey Logano
487. Denny Hamlin
488. Jimmie Johnson
489. Brad Keselowski
490. Brad Kenseth
491. Keith Hernandez
492. Vince Vaughn
493. Jim Carrey
494. Dan Marino
495. Patrick Ewing
496. Reggie Jackson
497. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
498. Bill Buckner
499. Matt Forte
500. Chase Utley

Honorable Mention: Jim Harbaugh and Tom Brady. I think these two should be ranked, but can’t decide who, if anyone, should be ranked below them.

“yeah, i took the summer off to get it right”

you know what i like to do for fun?

i am mean to my loved ones. that look on their face as someone they respect tears them apart really gets me going inside.

sometimes i go to the grocery store and ask people to buy me a case of beer. it’s a fun prank because i’m actually 31 years old, but look like a 14 year old (dick still big, though.)

sometimes i tell convincing lies. there’s a lot of fun to be had with this one.

gaslight. gatekeep. girlboss.

NIGHTMARE! NIGHTMARE! NIGHTMARE!

sometimes when talking to my friends, i will ask “can we still say *insert word*?” that i know we can’t say anymore.

topic change

yeah, bro, dating chicks is cool and all, but have you ever just hung out with the boys? no hoes, just dudes rockin? that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. hang out with the guys watching baseball, crushing beers, and playing video games.

i’ll be honest here; i don’t understand socks. what’s the point? don’t give me that bullshit about it keeping your shoes clean/odor free. if you put clean feet into clean shoes, how would the shoes get dirty? if you have nasty forest troll feet i would understand, but i don’t. i would rather not have feet than wear socks every day. socks suck.

china spy balloon

what’s the deal here? someone please fill me in? does this have anything to do with stephon marbury and dwight howard? i sure hope not.

food

i’m going to talk about food here for a little bit. had a walking taco yesterday, and it made me think of foods i like and foods i don’t like. i’ve never had a walking taco that i didn’t like, but i came close yesterday. it came with lettuce in the bag. in the bag. lettuce is cool in a salad, but an unnecessary addition to most other things. making me eat lettuce involuntarily is like making me take a shower with my dad. sure, i’ll fucking do it, but i won’t enjoy it. anyway, i also don’t like ketchup. same goes for milk and raisins.

video games

Hogwarts Legacy is playable at midnight tonight, and i think i’m going to stay up. as I wait for the game to download and be playable, i am going to compile a list of my top 500 professional athletes of all time.

Monster energy hat on, slightly to the side.

White shirt looking loose, stained obviously

Cookie Monster pajama pants draped perfectly over my legs

Osiris shoes laced up tight.

Let’s have a fucking weekend, boys!

note: i started writing this on day one of the nfl draft. I am not going to change the title, as it took me a long time to decide on this one

EDIT: (this will not be a cohesive piece of writing; it’s just a collection of my thoughts over a period of several days. Some are just the beginning to jokes. Again, I don’t know why i’m like this)

Grilled Cheese Update

I quit after day 1. I don’t like grilled cheese. I really believed there was a way to make it better, but there’s no hope. I haven’t felt like this since Rascal Flatts’ farewell tour was cancelled.

addressing the rumors

i have never killed a woman. please stop saying that i have killed women. i have not. this isn’t to say that i couldn’t, though.

I’ve been taking the pill from limitless recently. (I thought i’d have something kind of funny to follow up with, but i’m running on half thoughts today)

I am very good at adapting to fit in with the people around me. As a result, I am getting dumber.

Can you still say “black magic”?

i still love baseball. might start playing.

i’m going to master the grilled cheese sandwich.

I will update with the progress at least once per week. In addition to grilled cheese report, there will also be lists of things.

I did not feel the need to write last week. I had other things that required my attention.

(song list will be published separately this week. check the newest post if that is all you care to see)

Life Updates:

Been doing. Thinking a lot. Recently learned about Puerto Rico (Thank you Kanye, very cool!).

Came up with a couple of strategies to defeat Boko Haram and ISIS.

pool is closed for cleaning. not really a big deal for me (i don’t swim), but feel like you should know.

been listening to different musics in the past weeks. kinda cool. kinda not.

Thoughts

memes and internet culture peaked in 2015.

people who walk their dog without a leash in areas where a leash is required are the lowest class of society.

it’s a really bad year for ticks, and on this topic; there should be a chewable tablet that i can eat monthly that prevents ticks from biting me. if it’s safe for dogs, i can probably handle it.

watched a basketball games lately. i am going to repeat myself on a topic from last month. how do basketball players miss free throws? why does it take any player 30 seconds to shoot two free throws? how is it possible to be a professional basketball player and shoot less than 90% from the free throw line? my 7th grade D team basketball coach was 5’9″ and at least 300 pounds. i don’t think he ever missed a free throw. i could go to the gym tonight and make 75 in a row, if needed. (i am not a professional basketball player).

started watching trevor bauer’s vlogs last month and i am a huge baseball guy now. i love reading about baseball. i love watching pitching. i love baseball stats. i love the unwritten rules of baseball. i hate rob manfred. i am baseball.

Thursday List

1. Randy Moss- Minnesota Vikings
2. Adrian Peterson- Minnesota Vikings
3. Brett Favre- Minnesota Vikings
4. Michael Vick- Atlanta Falcons
5. Darren Sharper- Minnesota Vikings (FOOTBALL ONLY)
6. LaDainian Tomlinson
7. Troy Polamalu
8. Antoine Winfield Sr.- Minnesota Vikings
9. Antoine Winfield Jr.- University of Minnesota
10. Rob Gronkowski
11. Jared Allen- Minnesota Vikings
12. Randy Moss- Minnesota Vikings (4 games)
13. Terrell Owens
14. Daunte Culpepper- Minnesota Vikings
15. Tarvaris Jackson- Minnesota Vikings
16. Chester Taylor
17. Brian Robison
18. Jamarcus Russell
19. Larry Fitzgerald
20. Charles Woodson
21. Chad Greenway
22. Rex Grossman
23. Johnny Manziel
24. Kevin Williams- Minnesota Vikings
25. Pat Williams- Minnesota Vikings
26. Percy Harvin- Minnesota Vikings
27. Randy Moss- New England Patriots
28. Josh Gordon
29. Ray Lewis
30. Jerome Bettis- Pittsburgh Steelers
31. Donovan McNabb- Philadelphia Eagles
32. Stefon Diggs- Minnesota Vikings
33. Shaun Alexander
34. Bernard Berrian
35. Eli Manning
36. Julius Peppers
37. Brian Urlacher
38. Champ Bailey
39. Devin Hester
40. Ed Reed
41. Torrey Smith- 2012 Week 3
42. Darrelle Revis
43. Julian Edelman
44. Ben Roethlisberger
45. Marshawn Lynch
46. Reggie Bush- University of Southern California
47. Vince Young- University of Texas
48. Ndamukong Suh
49. Ray Rice
50. Jadaveon Clowney
51. Sidney Rice- Minnesota Vikings
52. Brett Favre- New York Jets
53. Kirk Cousins
54. Justin Jefferson
55. Trae Waynes
56. Jim Kleinsasser
57. Robert Griffin III
58. Arian Foster
59. LeSean McCoy
60. Matthew Stafford
61. Christian Ponder- Minnesota Vikings
62. Vernon Davis
63. David Carr
64. Eddie Lacey
65. Anquan Boldin
66. Reggie Wayne
67. Jamaal Charles- Kansas City Chiefs
68. Gus Frerotte
69. Marion Barber
70. Aaron Rodgers
71. Clinton Portis
72. Ronde Barber
73. Marshall Faulk
74. Demarcus Ware
75. Mitch Leidner
76. Adam Thielen
77. Tanner Morgan
78. Tony Gonzalez
79. Shannon Brooks
80. Visanthe Shiancoe
81. Peyton Hillis
82. Mark Sanchez
83. Ryan Longwell
84. Chad Johnson
85. Joe Webb
86. Rodney Smith
87. Brian Cushing
88. Hines Ward
89. Tiki Barber
90. Rashod Bateman
91. Bryant McKinnie
92. Ricky Williams
93. Cody Parkey
94. Joey Bosa
95. Michael Strahan
96. Matt Leinart
97. Russell Wilson
98. Tyler Johnson
99. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie
100. Frank Gore

The songs of the week will be published separately this week. i have decided to compile a list of the top 100 football players i have ever seen. some players are ranked for their service with one team, but not the other teams they played for. if a team is noted by the players name, this is why.

Thank you to this week’s sponsor, Wheat Thins!

9:10 PM. Here we are. Writing the words from my brain.eating spicy honey mustard Combos and drinking an ice cold beer fresh from the Rocky Mountain Range. championship lifestyle.

The Thoughts

my apartment building is getting a new roof and i hate it. the old roof looked better.

The Songs

1. too many years- kodak black
2. phoenix- a$ap rocky
3. lord knows- meek mill
4. views- drake
5. trappin 4 a livin- baby e
6. come thru- drake
7. good 4 u- olivia rodrigo
8. higher- creed
9. ms. jackson- outkast
10. little things- one direction
11. stay- rihanna
12. i hate u, i love u- gnash
13. pill for this- sam derosa

“bridge over troubled water, ice in my muddy water”

9:19 PM. Lakers on the television. sad music on the phone. cranberry in the milk jar. we’re having a thursday… What should i start with tonight? Hmmm… Life events, status of my enemies, my weekend plans, the songs? don’t tell me you care, because neither do i

Life Update

nothing. clown question.NEXT

weekend plans

going to my sisters graduation party tomorrow, where I will get drunk enough that people notice. Not one to call my shot, but i will probably make a comment about a newly eighteen year old girl at a volume that is just a little too high. afterwards i will maybe depart their house and get irresponsibly intoxicated. will return home, wake up disgustingly early, and drive to the lake. i will pack a cooler, and drive around the lake garage sales while drinking ice cold busch light. i will only have $14, but that’s part of the fun. wheelin and dealin baby. not sure yet if i will go home on sunday or monday morning. my parents have some friends coming, but not sure who. this will be a very important factor in my decision. might fly out to philly to dump popcorn on russell westbrook. who can know for sure?

What’s up with my enemies?

let me tell you this. if they aren’t dead by now, they’ll wish they were.

thoughts

(n prayers)

10:07

• mini nn&nns are pretty good, definitely the best variety
• i can remember pretty much everything that has ever happened.
• i am approaching the age where my friends will soon be getting married and having children. i am still reading forum posts about what vitamins and minerals will increase the size and force of my loads.
• how the fuck do you get hurt playing baseball? are they just sore?
• really considering a bowl cut
• chewed all my fingernails off, so now i can;t properly open things. this was a mistake.
• last night i was at walmart and had a really hard time finding fish sticks and i never ended up finding them. i also forgot to get dog food and had to go back to petco tonight. i hate it here.
• lebron james is pretty fucking good at basketball.

Top 7 Songs

1. pill for this- sam derosa
2. easy- lillian harper
3. happy for you- lukas graham
4. with arms wide open- creed
5. if i die young- the band perry
6. whiskey lullaby- alison krauss
7. coordinate- travis scott
8. deja vu- olivia rodrigo
9. adam’s song- blink 182

Thanks for reading, and thanks to this week’s sponsor, Yahoo! Sports. A great place to learn about sports.