I have been empty for the past 24 days. Something was missing in my life, and I spent all of my time and energy searching for something. A purpose, a friend, something to commit myself to. A way out of the desolate hellscape that is my mind.

Today, I realized what was missing. I know what changed. Fortunately, the stars aligned and that bitch Chrissy Teigen reactivated her Twitter.

Chrissy, I want you to read this and reflect. I already ended you once, and claimed the title of “Mayor of Twitter”. I am fully prepared to do this again. Your cookbook sucks. Your pans suck. Your husband is cool, but you… You know what you did when you logged back in, and make no mistake, I will make you regret this decision. When you turned your back on the people of the internet, I stayed. I was here. I kept them safe. Where did you go when they needed you? Bora Bora?

You are and always will be John Legend’s Filthy Mouthed Wife. Don’t forget that.

Go back to burping on snapchat.