here’s what you’ve all been waiting for. you sad, lonely fucks sit by your computer every tuesday and thursday waiting for my thoughts.

“i’m too stupid to form my own opinion on anything. i will need to wait for storm to share his and i will nod in agreement.”

-you, probably

Thoughts:

• gone girl is definitely top 9 movies of all time. rain man and days of thunder still tied for third
• i really don’t care about the potential dangers; as long as you don’t look like you smell like cigarettes, cigarettes make you look 4.5x cooler
• if you look hard enough, there’s a reason to hate each and every person on this planet. your time will come
• breakfast is the least meaningful meal. lunch is also pretty worthless.
• chopsticks are a great utensil for most snack foods. they will allow you to keep your fingers clean.
• i’m going to double down on the statement above. chopsticks should be offered at all restaurants regardless of the cuisine served. Some foods are impractical to use a fork for, but chopsticks offer a cleaner alternative to fingers
• people who listen to and repeat joe rogan’s health advice to anyone who didn’t ask should be publicly shamed, possibly executed
• when observing people (watching movies), i think about the qualities that make someone a good friend. i don’t believe that i have any of these qualities. i might be a “toxic person”. this was troubling originally, but is not an issue i care to address at this time. it would also be out of character for me to suddenly become a good person. people would probably assume that i started using drugs.
• diet/fitness twitter people are rapidly climbing the list of people that should be required to pay to use the website.
• there’s a lot of weird people on this planet, but none weirder than disney adults

Life Update:

as you may know, i went to a wedding last month. i had a wonderful time. since then, death has been on my mind quite a bit. because i will most likely still be alone in this life, i have planned my funeral and relayed my wishes to my parents (my best friend and his wife) in the unfortunate (very probable, though) event that i expire before them. i do not believe that my female parent will execute these wishes. i will list them here, so that my friends will follow through with them. understand that this will be unlike any funeral you have ever been to, seen on tv, or read about. much more of a happy environment. it will also be at one of my favorite drinking establishments.

1. the only attire permitted will be shirts that are provided when you walk in. all shirts will have a large picture of me on the chest. i don’t believe the photo has been taken yet, but it will be very grainy for a picture taken with recent technology. men’s shirts will have “long live the king” on the top, and “miss you, lil homie” on the bottom in blue text. there will also be wings airbrushed on the edges of the picture. women’s shirts will have “he hit it first” in pink text above my photo.
2. there will be no formal playlist, music will be played from the library on my phone. the only rule for this is that somebody will get up to change the song every 94 seconds as i would’ve.
3. the girl who runs the instagram account, @drakeoncake, will recreate several of the cakes from her page that i have liked, and they will be served.
4. i would like my body to be preserved in a glass case, and placed in the town center for 7 days, so that my followers can pay their respects.
5. after the week of respectful partying, my body will be delivered to the edge of the flat earth and pushed over the ice wall into the fiery depths of hell.

my mother invited me to my sister’s graduation party via facebook, and i selected the “maybe” option. this decision was not met with the happiness that i anticipated. i would be very grateful if someone like me even entertained the idea of possibly attending. regardless, i will probably be there, and will spend that evening drinking beers (buzzed) with my friends at Kenny’s. hopefully they have live music.

i met a girl this weekend. this will not be a romantic situation by any means, but i want people to know that i am physically capable of talking to a woman.

every week my good friend, pizza hut, texts me that a large stuffed crust pizza is being offered for a limited price of $11.99. this price has not changed since at least 2015, but i appreciate the news every time.

i traded american currency for a package of bologna on sunday night. i hadn’t had bologna prior to this in at least 8 months. it’s still good.

today’s top songs

1. why i love you- kanye west
2. ordinary life- the weeknd
3. nobody’s perfect- j. cole
4. here- alessia cara
5. i hate u, i love u- gnash
6. good for you- selena gomez
7. blurry- puddle of mudd
8. jessie’s girl- rick springfield
9. company- drake
10. thank u, next- ariana grande