I get to run the scoreboard and clock for a wrestling meet tonight. I get to use the horn. Will update you guys after.

if i ever get fat like lena dunham please kill me 🖤

I was turning off the alarm on my phone this morning when I noticed that I had three notifications. Two were calendar notifications and one was a text from a friend of mine. We’ll call that friend “Noah” for this story.

The first was a reminder that I have every year on November 11th to remind me that it is Marc Summers’ birthday. The host of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare and Food Network Unwrapped turned 69 today. The big Six-Nine. The Sex Number. Happy Birthday, Marc!

The second was a holiday alert. Veterans Day. I went to send a text message to my girlfriend’s husband and my step-dad, Greg, thanking for their service when I noticed the final notification.

It was a text from Noah. What did it say? “Are you going to thank me? My work address is (Redacted). Feel free to send flowers and/or lunch.”

I went to his facebook page and he had posted 16 military memes and two photos. One photo was him in a sailors outfit, and the other was him in his Peace Corps Uniform. He wrote a three paragraph about the two tours that he served, and how much he cared about the men and women who stood by him on the frontlines.

There’s one of him in every mall food court and IHOP across America. Men who say they just returned from a trip overseas, but the scariest thing they’ve ever seen been was the Space Shot at Adventureland. They said they trained at Camp Pendleton, but really spent a summer living with their ant in Long Beach. The only Medal of Honor he’ll ever see is on a PlayStation2.

I went over to his house for lunch (to speak with his father) and he was sitting on the couch playing Mount Your Friends. I asked him when he got back, and he just told me, “Navy had a half day.”

It’s called Stolen Valor, and it’s a fucking crime.

For reference, here is the photo of Noah in his “Navy Outfit”

If you see him around town in this, please call me. The government would like to have a chat.

Tired.

Stressed.

Going to Coralville.

I have bad news, friends.

Noah was sent home from the peace corps last month. Initially I assumed it was due to the pandemic, but after some research, i was wrong. We were all wrong. I am only writing this article because I want to expose him and his lies.

I called Cambodia on the phone and asked if they had sent any other volunteers home. I was told that there never were any peace corps volunteers in Cambodia (I honestly couldn’t understand anything they were saying, so I just assumed what I believe to be true based on their tone). This was strange, but knowing Noah, he probably just didn’t really know where he was. This happens often.

I asked Noah why cambodia would tell me this, and he said that he was busy doing veteran activities and would talk to me later. This felt odd. Usually he will call under the guise of asking a simple question on how to operate gas pumps and try to keep me on the phone for an hour to discuss his emotions and relationships.

So, I did what any detective would do; I called the peace corps directly and asked if anybody had been kicked out in the past month. I was told that they did send someone back to the states in March, but it wasn’t because of any virus.

A volunteer was kicked out of Africa for tampering with Meals From the Heartland shipments. Noah stole every single vitamin packet from 3,000 packs. I was appalled when I heard this. He did ask me if I was interested in supplements, as I have a hard time getting all of the vitamins and minerals the body needs in my diet, but I figured that he was just selling Advocare products, not selling stolen goods. I don’t know how much longer I can continue this friendship.

THIS MAN IS NOT A VETERAN!

here are some ideas that i have come up with that would benefit the world, but do not have the skills or access to the technology to make them happen.

a website where you can connect with your friends, see their pictures, and post statuses to inform them of what you are up to.

a machine that sucks up and collects all the dirt, dust, and pet hair in your house.

cereal.

glasses with tinted lenses to wear outside on sunny days.

a tool that can remove staples from paper.

pre-sliced bread. could save minute.

a strap that connects you to your surfboard so it doesn’t get swept across the ocean if you fall off.

a suitcase with wheels that you can pull behind.

a portable phone that you can use to contact others while out and about, and that they can contact you.

machine that can grind grains into flours powered by electricity.

machine that can separate cotton fibers from seeds. would save tons of time and would not require as many workers as current methods.

do with these as you wish. i am not asking for any credit. i just want to see the world flourish

Iowa just closed all restaurants and bars for the near future. Drive through and carry out is still available

If anything, this can only help Arby’s; as nobody actually wants to be seen eating Arby’s. The best place to eat an Arby’s sandwich is in the shower with the curtain closed and the lights off.

I am very worried about Jakob at this time. I know for a fact that he is completely lost in the kitchen. The only thing he knows how to prepare is “crunchy pea salad”. Don’t know what that is, but apparently Jiffy Lube doesn’t let him come in for his hair appointment if he is carrying a Tupperware container anymore.

Will update as the story progresses.

I have been chatting with Noah recently, and he wanted me to share some updates from his time abroad.

Noah has the Coronavirus. No, not the one in the news. The one he has is when you have a few too many at the local karaoke bar and wake up in some strange asian holes and it burns when you pee.

He would also like to let everyone know he is doing well. He loves the local cuisine, especially the long pork. Every day he tells me how much I need to try the long pork, saying it is the most flavorful meat he’s ever eaten, and he’s afraid that he won’t be able to find any when he returns. I sure hope he can find all of the long pork he needs when/if he finally comes home. It would be cool if he came home early because I’ve been pretty horny lately. He also recently took all of the vitamin tablets in his village’s shipment from Meals From The Heartland. I’m not sure how to feel about this, but at least he’s getting his B12.

I have a lingering fear that Noah will bring back a small Cambodian woman to marry that can’t speak english that he will use as a personal slave.

Me Update

Looking for a girlfriend. Please respond to this by communicating with me. You will know how. I will list my positives and negatives below.

Positives

• Nice
• Knowledgeable on a wide range of topics
• Hamilton
• Look okay
• Have the ability to cook
• Low Maintenance breed
• Good listener, willing to learn
• Never murdered before

Negatives

I raised myself

I was shopping for a sweet treat last night and I ended up in the frozen desserts aisle of my local grocery store. There was once a Popsicle variety pack that contained 3 flavors. They were root beer, banana, and lemon lime. This is no longer available. When I returned home I could not find them online either. This was deeply upsetting to me. I ended up getting vanilla ice cream. Popsicle, if you are reading this, please bring the good flavors back.

Going to see Rascal Flatts in July and Nickelback in August. This summer is going to be very fun.

I would like to end this post with a quick note on my friend, Jakob. I love the oily, yet somewhat hay-like texture of his hair. Shoutout to Jiffy Lube, you guys are doing great work on that kid.

I wish I was a black wolf and could turn into mist.

-Guy Online

I have been thinking about how I could fix every major problem in this country. I have come up with a two step plan that would help us all.

Step 1: Fix the fucking problems

Step 2: Prosper

Now that that is out of the way; I would like to actually address the problems that I have. I’ll start with the virgins and nerds. To be blunt, you all suck, and I am cool. Virgins and nerds don’t have websites. I do. My second problem in this country is the women. Please date me. I am fun. I also do not like Popeye’s. The food is bad. Have you ever sucked dick for Popeye’s? Didn’t think so.

We need to address the opioid epidemic. My solution is to give everyone unlimited amounts of their drug of choice. Survival of the fittest. This will not only address the number of deaths, because they will all die; but it will also help with the population problem. Less people= more fun.

Four years ago, I wrote a blog about the relationship between me and my father. It was a big hit. Unfortunately, because of a rat infestation, I was forced to remove the post and apologize to my father for being too cool. I have since decided that I will be getting back to my roots and posting weekly updates about my life and plans.

Noah is in Laos right now. I heard that he is distributing regular milk to lactose-intollerant families across the country telling them to suck it up.

What did people do before it was cool to be gluten-intollerant and lactose-intollerant? Did they just die?

What’s the deal with pharmacists? How does it take them an hour to count 30 pills? Why do they act like they have a hard job? Fuck you and your pharmacy.

"Fuck Illuminati lies, say I'm lucified
Baptized in the gutter, motherfucker you decide
Cause the ride come with doors that be suicide"