I have been chatting with Noah recently, and he wanted me to share some updates from his time abroad.

Noah has the Coronavirus. No, not the one in the news. The one he has is when you have a few too many at the local karaoke bar and wake up in some strange asian holes and it burns when you pee.

He would also like to let everyone know he is doing well. He loves the local cuisine, especially the long pork. Every day he tells me how much I need to try the long pork, saying it is the most flavorful meat he’s ever eaten, and he’s afraid that he won’t be able to find any when he returns. I sure hope he can find all of the long pork he needs when/if he finally comes home. It would be cool if he came home early because I’ve been pretty horny lately. He also recently took all of the vitamin tablets in his village’s shipment from Meals From The Heartland. I’m not sure how to feel about this, but at least he’s getting his B12.

I have a lingering fear that Noah will bring back a small Cambodian woman to marry that can’t speak english that he will use as a personal slave.

Me Update

Looking for a girlfriend. Please respond to this by communicating with me. You will know how. I will list my positives and negatives below.

Positives

• Nice
• Knowledgeable on a wide range of topics
• Hamilton
• Look okay
• Have the ability to cook
• Low Maintenance breed
• Good listener, willing to learn
• Never murdered before

Negatives

I raised myself

I was shopping for a sweet treat last night and I ended up in the frozen desserts aisle of my local grocery store. There was once a Popsicle variety pack that contained 3 flavors. They were root beer, banana, and lemon lime. This is no longer available. When I returned home I could not find them online either. This was deeply upsetting to me. I ended up getting vanilla ice cream. Popsicle, if you are reading this, please bring the good flavors back.

Going to see Rascal Flatts in July and Nickelback in August. This summer is going to be very fun.

I would like to end this post with a quick note on my friend, Jakob. I love the oily, yet somewhat hay-like texture of his hair. Shoutout to Jiffy Lube, you guys are doing great work on that kid.

I wish I was a black wolf and could turn into mist.

-Guy Online