put small pieces of glass in someone else’s food over a long period of time

you all lost. better luck next season

Been a minute since the last set of rankings, so I’m throwing them up today.

Rankings

1. Karsten. Previous Rank: 2.
2. Trevor. Previous Rank: 1.
3. Noah. Previous Rank: 3.
4. John. Previous Rank: 4.
5. Jakob. Previous Rank: 5. (-82.5 points)
6. Tommy. Previous Rank: 6.

No big changes here except Jakob’s score decreased even further.  Shoutout Jiffy Lube. (Jiffy Lube, call me so that we can finally discuss sponsorship options).

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Life Updates

Haven’t been very open about my life with my readers lately, and that’s your fault because I really do not like any of you. Please continue to read and find out.

I broke up with my super hot girlfriend because it turns out that she has a mole on her ankle. YUCK!

Looking for a new girlfriend. I do have a list of qualifications, though:

• Has to be at least 8/10.
• Cannot be nice to anyone. (Can be, but meaner is better)
• Would prefer if it were a female that has lived with John before (not mandatory, but preferred)
• Has to be intelligent. Can’t be smarter than me, but that would be virtually impossible unless I could make a smart, attractive, female version of myself.

If you know anyone that fits this description, have them call me. Most hot girls already have my phone number, so don’t give it to them.

 

Big Time Stuff

I’m thinking about vaping.

 

“ok i smashed your corolla”

Been a rough opening for some of our competitors. I saw some great improvements made between weeks 1 and 2, but there were also some questionable moves by a few. I wish that there were spots above first place, because some people did amazing things. I have gotten rid of the point system for everyone except Jakob as I find it hilarious to keep lowering his score.

On to the rankings:

1. Trevor. Previous Rank: 2.
2. Karsten. Previous Rank: 1.
3. Noah. Previous Rank: 3.
4. John. Previous Rank: 4.
5. Jakob. Previous Rank: 5. (-35 points)
6. Tommy. Previous Rank: UR.

Explanations:

Trevor: The one spot is a ranking that I feel could go either way this season, but he locked himself in for this one by coming up to Iowa next weekend. I offer for all of my friends to come and “wild the fuck out” every weekend, but they all have “plans”(READ: girlfriends).

Karsten: Really no reason to put him second other than pettiness on my part.

Noah: Good kid, has quality wins, but not enough offense for me to put him higher. If he starts widening the gap between him and the lower tier competition, he moves up.

John: Great guy. Love him. Need to see more this week to really get a gauge on where we stand.

Jakob: What can I say that hasn’t already been said? Still smells horrible, although his odor has shifted from dog food to wet cat food (worse). Horrible driver. He once stopped the car and the bumper just fell off. If Jakob’s hair gets any darker, I will be 100% sure that he gets it done at Jiffy Lube. Shoutout to my sponsor, Jiffy lube.

Tommy: Called me out for not putting him in the first rankings. BAD move. Called me out for only doing the first week. Horrible move. Tommy doesn’t understand the life of a ranker, and deserves this spot. When he finally quits running his mouth and shows up at my house ready to fight, he may move up a spot. He slots in really good as our anchor here.

 

Stay tuned for the updated rankings. I did not add a category for most pipe laid, as it wouldn’t be fair.

I’ve been coming up with cool pranks that I could do around the office and made a list that I hope you all will be able to use and enjoy.

 

• Tape a piece of paper under their mouse so it doesn’t work
• Glue stuff to their desk.
• Putting a bunch of used needles in their chair.
• Stab them as they come out of the bathroom.
• Kill their family

 

see that guy over there.

 

what he doin?

 

he doin karate?

 

i think he doin karate?

 

not sure though.

 

he doin karate?

 

he definitely doin karate.

“Sorry for the wait”

I had a long day at work. I wasn’t going to eat lunch, but somebody had a buy one get free coupon for a sandwich so me and my dad split the extra sandwich. I havent eaten Taco Bell in 5 days but I think I might tonight.

My hot model girlfriend texted me to tell me that she’s having a lot of fun on tour in Paris and she found someone new and they have really good bread in France. She sure does love bread.

(Sometimes I feel like I shouldve been a girl.)

 

On a brighter note, my girlfriend is having twins!

Week one has been calculated.

First Place: 12 points. Karsten. He’s leading because of his lack of body odor. He would have a greater lead over the others, but his 40 time is really lacking, and he has yet to prove that he doesn’t change when he has a girlfriend. Time will tell for the leader.

Second Place: 11 points. Trevor. He could’ve been number one, but he really dropped when he said Kyle Dake whines too much. He could improve on the speed, but he has the power to get the job done. He drives, but he doesn’t drive.

Third Place: 8 points. Noah. He let me borrow his car while I did not have one. Really cool.

Fourth Place:2 points.  John. I really had high hopes for him coming in to Saturday Morning. He had the lead but then he did that really weird thing with the gas pump and punching rain. I still have faith as he has the best breakaway speed of the group, and the best dream stories.

Fifth Place: -14 points.  Jakob Allison. Smells horrible. Super slow. Worse driver than John. Looks like he just got out of a pool. Pretty sure he gets his hair done at a Jiffy Lube. Shoutout Jiffy Lube.

Stay tuned for next week’s rankings. Adding a category for most pipe laid. Scores will change because of this.